Break Free from the Guilt Trap: Stop 'Should-ing' on Yourself and Choose Joy

Turner Powers
Mar 20
6 min read

Updated: Apr 7

How often do you catch yourself saying, “I should…”I should go to the gym. I should call my mom. I should be further along by now. I should be happier. I should be working harder.

It’s sneaky, right? We say it without thinking. But have you ever paused to notice how heavy the word “should” feels? It’s as if we’re dragging around a backpack full of expectations that were never really ours to carry.

I get it. Life is busy. You’re juggling a million things. You want to be better, do better, live better. But sometimes, the constant stream of shoulds becomes more of a burden than a motivator. And instead of inspiring change, it just wears us down.

That’s why I want to introduce you to something that changed the way I talk to myself—and the way I live my life.

I call it: The “No More Should” Detox. And today, we’re diving deep.

What Is the “No More Should” Detox?

At its core, it’s simple. For one day (or longer, if you want!), you make a conscious effort to notice every time you think or say the word “should.” When you catch it, you pause. You take a breath. And then you reframe it into a more empowering, intentional thought.

For example:

❌ “I should work out.”

✅ “I want to move my body because it makes me feel strong and alive. ”Or

✅ “I choose to move because I feel better afterward.”

Sounds small, right? But I promise you—it’s powerful. Because behind every “should” is often a tangled web of guilt, shame, and external pressure. When we reframe it, we shift the energy. We move from obligation to choice. From guilt to empowerment.

And that’s where the magic begins.

Why We’re Addicted to “Should”

It’s not your fault. Most of us grew up hearing shoulds from every direction. You should get good grades. You should be polite. You should lose weight. You should have it all together.

And over time, those messages took root in our minds. We started policing ourselves with shoulds, thinking they’d keep us on track. But instead of guiding us gently, they often whip us into shape with criticism and judgment.

When we live in should, we feel like we’re always falling short. We never quite measure up to who we think we should be.

The Problem with “Should” Thinking

The word should often signals that you’re acting out of obligation, not desire. It implies you’re not doing enough or being enough right now. It’s rooted in comparison and shame.

Here’s how should thinking affects us:

It fuels guilt: “I should have called her back by now…”
It creates resentment: “I should go to this event even though I don’t want to.”
It drains motivation: “I should work out.” (But you’re already dreading it.)
It disconnects you from your truth: “I should be happy.” (But you’re not, and now you feel broken.)

Should doesn’t come from your heart. It comes from fear. Fear of judgment. Fear of not being enough. And that’s why it’s time to detox.

How the “No More Should” Detox Works

Step 1: Awareness

For one day (or a few hours to start), pay attention to your language and thoughts. How often are you saying or thinking “should”? You might be surprised by how frequently it pops up.

You can even jot it down. Create a Should Journal for the day.

Example:

9:00 AM: “I should get up earlier.”
12:00 PM: “I should eat a salad.”
3:00 PM: “I should be more productive.”

Step 2: Pause and Breathe

When you catch a should, stop. Take a deep breath. Notice how it makes you feel in your body. Tight? Anxious? Heavy? That’s should energy. You don’t have to carry it.

Step 3: Reframe It

Now, ask yourself:

What do I want to do?
What do I choose to do?
What would feel true and kind to me right now?

Reframe your thought in a way that feels like a choice, not a chore. For example:

❌ “I should eat healthier.”

✅ “I want to nourish my body with foods that make me feel alive.”

❌ “I should clean the house.”

✅ “I choose to tidy up so I can relax in my space.”

The Science Behind Reframing Language

This isn’t just feel-good fluff—language matters. Studies show that the words we use shape our beliefs, attitudes, and even our biology.

When you shift from should to choose, your brain stops associating the action with external pressure and starts associating it with autonomy and empowerment. Autonomy is one of the most powerful motivators in human psychology. When you choose something, you’re more likely to follow through and feel good about it.

Real-Life Examples of Reframing “Should” Thinking

Movement & Exercise

❌ “I should work out more.”

✅ “I choose to move today because it helps me clear my mind and feel strong.”

✅ “I want to move because I love how energized I feel afterward.”

Self-Care

❌ “I should meditate.”

✅ “I want to take five minutes to breathe and reconnect with myself.”

✅ “I choose stillness because I deserve peace.”

Productivity

❌ “I should be more productive.”

✅ “I choose to focus on what matters most today.”

✅ “I want to complete this task because it brings me closer to my goals.”

What Happens When You Let Go of “Should”?

You feel lighter. You feel freer. You stop living life as a constant to-do list of obligations. You reconnect with your why. And you begin to trust yourself to make choices that align with your values—not external pressures.

You become the author of your life again.

Tips for Making the Detox Stick

1. Extend It Beyond One Day

Try a No More Should week! Or even a month. The longer you practice, the more natural it becomes.

2. Share the Journey

Tell a friend or family member what you’re doing. You can even catch each other’s shoulds in conversation and gently remind each other to reframe.

3. Create a “Choice” Mantra

Whenever you catch yourself defaulting to should, use a mantra like: “I am free to choose what aligns with me.” Or “I release guilt and act from love.”

4. Journal the Shifts

At the end of the day, reflect on how reframing your shoulds changed your experience. Did you feel more motivated? More at peace? Celebrate those wins!

What If You Still Don’t Feel Like Doing the Thing?

Here’s the truth:

Sometimes, even when you reframe it, you still won’t want to do it. That’s okay. It’s an opportunity to check in with your needs.

Do you need rest?
Do you need to re-evaluate your priorities?
Do you need support?

Choosing not to do something can be just as empowering as choosing to do it. Either way, you’re reclaiming your agency.

Why This Matters: Your Life Is Happening Now

One day, you’ll look back at this season of your life. You’ll remember the mornings you struggled to get out of bed. The nights you lay awake wondering if you’re enough. The days you pushed through even when it was hard.

And I hope you’ll also remember the moment you decided to stop living in should…And start living in choice.

Because here’s the truth: Your life isn’t waiting for you to get it perfect. It’s happening right now.

And you get to decide how you show up for it.

Take the Challenge: Join the “No More Should” Detox Today!

Are you ready to try it? For the next 24 hours, catch every should and reframe it. Choose your words. Choose your life.

And if you feel like sharing your experience, I’d love to hear about it!Drop a comment below or send me a message—let’s support each other on this journey to a life with less guilt and more joy.

You are not a list of obligations. You are not a project to be constantly fixed. You are a living, breathing human being with power and agency. And every time you choose love over guilt…You take one step closer to the life you deserve.

No more shoulds. Just choices.

Starting now.

turner

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📚 References

1. Mindfulness and Reframing Language

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003). Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR): A Manual for Healthcare Professionals. In this book, Kabat-Zinn discusses how mindfulness techniques, including the reframing of thoughts, can help reduce stress and increase emotional well-being. This ties into your message of moving from obligation to choice.

2. The Power of Words and Language

Langer, E. J. (1989). Mindfulness. Addison-Wesley. Langer’s work explores the importance of awareness and how subtle shifts in language and thinking can influence our behavior, motivation, and emotional health, which supports the idea behind reframing “shoulds.”

3. The Neuroscience of Choice and Motivation

Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The "What" and "Why" of Goal Pursuits: Human Needs and the Self-Determination of Behavior. Psychological Inquiry. This research explains the concept of autonomy and how making conscious choices (instead of feeling obligated) enhances motivation, which aligns with reframing the "shoulds" in your blog post.

4. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Beck, A. T. (2011). Cognitive Behavior Therapy: Basics and Beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press. CBT teaches the power of identifying and restructuring negative thought patterns, much like the process of replacing "should" with more empowering language as discussed in your post.

5. Self-Compassion and Reducing Guilt

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow. Neff’s work provides research-backed insights on how practicing self-compassion, rather than guilt-driven “shoulds,” enhances well-being and reduces stress.